Finals cancelled under shroud of latex and mystery
MICHAEL REDMOND
Issue date: 3/23/09 Section: Campus News
Bucks faculty has cancelled
final exams for the spring
semester.
All students will receive a
guaranteed A for their
semester grade.
In a shocking turn of
events, this past week faculty
members decided that they
would do away with final
exams for the semester. As a
gift to all students, the finals
have been abolished and
each and every student, no
matter their current grades,
will receive an A for the
semester.
When asked about this
recent development,
Professor Kris Kringle, who
teaches Advanced Toy
Making 101, said, "We decided
this would be a gift to all
the good little boys and girls
on campus. The other professors
I talked to about this,
mainly Dr. E. Bunny and Ms.
T. Fairy, immediately agreed
this would be a great way to
end the semester and send all
the students on their summer
break feeling great about
how this semester ended."
One professor, however,
tried to fight this decision the
entire way through the decision
making process. When
asked why he would fight
such a generous gift to the
students, Professor
Grinchenstien responded,
"The students don't deserve
to be treated with respect or
kindness, they are horrible
little creatures who should be
constantly berated and
judged. This kind of goodnatured
act sickens me to the
core of my being." Even
though he fought hard, even
recommending more projects
and exams, he eventually
was outvoted by the rest of
the faculty members.
When students were
informed of this decision,
there was outbursts of
singing and dancing all over
campus. One lucky student,
Robert Procrastinator, said,
"I can't believe this has happened!
I am so happy right
now. I haven't done any
assignments and failed every
test I've bothered to show up
for. Now I have a guaranteed
A in every class and it looks
like I won't be working at the
car wash for the rest of my
final exams for the spring
semester.
All students will receive a
guaranteed A for their
semester grade.
In a shocking turn of
events, this past week faculty
members decided that they
would do away with final
exams for the semester. As a
gift to all students, the finals
have been abolished and
each and every student, no
matter their current grades,
will receive an A for the
semester.
When asked about this
recent development,
Professor Kris Kringle, who
teaches Advanced Toy
Making 101, said, "We decided
this would be a gift to all
the good little boys and girls
on campus. The other professors
I talked to about this,
mainly Dr. E. Bunny and Ms.
T. Fairy, immediately agreed
this would be a great way to
end the semester and send all
the students on their summer
break feeling great about
how this semester ended."
One professor, however,
tried to fight this decision the
entire way through the decision
making process. When
asked why he would fight
such a generous gift to the
students, Professor
Grinchenstien responded,
"The students don't deserve
to be treated with respect or
kindness, they are horrible
little creatures who should be
constantly berated and
judged. This kind of goodnatured
act sickens me to the
core of my being." Even
though he fought hard, even
recommending more projects
and exams, he eventually
was outvoted by the rest of
the faculty members.
When students were
informed of this decision,
there was outbursts of
singing and dancing all over
campus. One lucky student,
Robert Procrastinator, said,
"I can't believe this has happened!
I am so happy right
now. I haven't done any
assignments and failed every
test I've bothered to show up
for. Now I have a guaranteed
A in every class and it looks
like I won't be working at the
car wash for the rest of my
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